The little lady and I are big fans of the recent Discovery series “Life”. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show it was a 10 part series that focused on the wonder and beauty of life. Meaning each episode they followed around a different animals and bugs with some super expensive cameras and made some really cool crap to watch in HD. Oh and Oprah narrated the entire thing. Each episode was pretty amazing but the one on birds really struck a chord. I learned that birds spend most of their time hunting, stealing, killing and generally f’ing with other animals. In short birds are really just natures assholes. I hate birds now after watching the show and in general I think we need to exterminate them all.

To drive home my point let me fill you in on my walk to the bus stop yesterday morning. I was strutting along minding my own business when I caught a small bird out of the corner of my eye. I looked at him, he looked at me and it was on. Without warning the bird swooped down and took a healthy scratch at my back pack. I wasn’t positive what had just happened but when I looked at the bird again, which was now on the other side of me it took another dive, just missing me. The bird was now floating around about 4 feet from me and had a look in it’s eyes like it wanted me dead. If you happened to be looking out your window in the town I live in at about 8 am in the morning you may have seen one of the funniest sights ever. A tall goofy looking man screaming “what the fuck!” at a small bird and running for his life. Luckily the little bastard wasn’t fast enough to keep up with me and I managed to escape. Don’t think he didn’t give it a shot though. I spent the rest of the morning petrified he had retreated back to gather his friends and make another charge at me. Someday I hope that fear that runs through me every time I hear a chirp will do away but for now I live in constant fear of those winged dick heads. They must be stopped.

So now that I’m a big time marathon runner the Mrs. and I have decided to join a gym. Alright we joined close to a year ago but we’re finally getting around to going regularly. Screw you for judging me. I’ve always hated going to the gym but I know it’s something I have to do in order to not be a sloppy bitch. It’s not the actual working out that I can’t stand. No I hate it because I hate giant men who can kick my ass looking at me like I’m a pussy who can only lift fifty pounds. I hate watching them go to a machine after I’ve used it and laughing at how much weight I had it set for. Then they high five their other giant friends and talk about how much better then me they are. Granted I’ve never seen this happen but I know they’re doing it. On top of that the 24 Hour Fitness that we go to is filled with the filthiest men I’ve ever seen. The men’s locker room is like a god damn war zone. There are towels everywhere, the showers are littered with empty bottles of shampoo and the men have no problem throwing their sweat filled shirts all over the benches. It drives me insane but we signed a year contract so we’re stuck there for a few more months.

Last night, shit went too far though. Way too far. While I was in the shower the guy in the stall next to me decided to do what I can only describe as a Midnight Express reenactment. He was pressed right up against the glass for reasons I can’t begin to understand and I saw every nook and cranny of his inner being. The only thing he didn’t do was tap on the glass and whisper “Oh Joey” to me. He was so close that his feet were actually sticking out under the glass divider and in my area. I almost puked on his big old hairy toes. I left the gym frightened and confused and I don’t think I ever want to go back. Now I know what it’s like to be in a Turkish prison.